My steps disappear in sounds
of surrounding forest and distant waves. There is only one person here, a
middle aged man, busy with cutting wood he just brought from a storage. I’m standing
at the entrance and I’m trying not to disturb his work. He looks at me for a
brief second, smiles gently and goes back to his work.
‘Silence please’ says
the sign on the gate. There is also a list of things a westerner, such as
myself, needs to remember about, before they enter the retreat.
A whole week of
partying in Thailand left me exhausted and lacking of something peaceful and
meaningful. I want to escape from everyone, hide somewhere and stay there until
I feel that I’m restored. Unfortunately, I have only an hour. My friends are
waiting for me at the beach of Had Rin, 20 minutes drive from this shrine,
which name I won’t tell you. Let it be my secret, my special place where I can
visit with my thoughts any time I want.
I walk down a narrow
path leading up the hill. Trees bend over it, covering it from the sun, gently
touching my shoulder with their ancient branches. I can smell sweet aroma of
their pink flowers.
I pass a statue of
Buddha, dressed in orange robe, smiling at me with his eyes half closed. He
smells with jasmine.
I reach small, rocky
steps. The sign next to it asks me to take my shoes off. I follow the
instruction and leave my flip flops at the bottom. I go up. I really don’t know
where I’m going. I just know that every step takes me further from reality and
closer to peace I so long for.
I reach the top.
Have you ever been so
enchanted by something beautiful that you were almost crying? Have you ever
thought that you could die this very moment because you have reached a moment
in your life that seemed complete? That’s how I feel now. There is a flat
surface in front of me, it sticks out from the hill like a balcony, but there are
no barriers, no hand rails. At the bottom of it there is a forest, a jungle so
deep you can only see the peaks of the palms. I can see the beach far away from
here. It seems deserted.
I sit down, crossed
legged and try to memorise this view. I want to take the beauty of it with me,
keep it and hide it forever. I don’t know how much time has passed, it seems
like it’s been an eternity. I think I hear someone coming. The steps are light,
like someone is barely touching the ground. I don’t want to turn around. I just
hope that whoever they are they won’t disturb me. A conversation is the last
thing I want right now.
Suddenly, the movement
stops and I can feel someone’s presence behind me. They stand there for a
minute or two. I focus on the colour of the water, so blue that it seems
unreal. I breathe slowly, taking in the peace surrounding this place, trying not
to think about the person behind me who is now coming towards me. They stop and
linger for a second and then slowly, with a great effort, but without a sound
sit next to me. With a corner of my eye I detect an orange robe and a shaved
head. I know now that it’s a monk.
We sit next to each
other. Minutes pass. I can only hear the waves and his breathing, so gentle and
rhythmic. Together, they sound like one melody. There is nothing else in this
world. My friends have disappeared from my thoughts; there is no past and no
future, no ‘must’, ‘need’ and ‘have to’.
There is only now, this very moment, the monk and I.
I start breathing with
him, inhaling and exhaling at the same time, in unison. It feels that the air
is lighter and fresher than before. I have never felt so in peace with myself
than now. I am nowhere, but here at the same time...
I wake up suddenly. I
don’t know how much time has passed. I turn towards the monk. He is still there
and he’s looking at me, straight into my eyes. He is smiling and in his face I
see myself. It is still old, wrinkly face of a stranger, but it is also I,
happier, more at peace I.
‘I must go’ I say. He
nods like he understands. Is there a ‘must’ in a monk vocabulary?
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