Thursday 20 June 2013

The Blond Confessions: getting over my divorce

I know this is supposed to be a travel blog, but my life has recently changed so much that I thought I will share some of my struggles with you. So, once a week I will try to give you an update on what I have been doing. It might not seem to you that these posts are travel-related, but believe me, the whole thing leads to a new adventure.

I'm still in a process of finalising my divorce. I have been going through some really bad times. One day I think I will be fine, I can get through this. The next day I find hard to get up, to lift myself out of bed.
But I am getting better.

There were times when I sat on my sofa for hours at a time, looking blankly at the opposite wall, I smoked a cigarette after cigarette, I went out and made out with some random guy in a club (yes, I'm still ashamed of that). I was angry, I was depressed and I was drowning in my own sadness.

Because of my landlord's family affairs I had to move out of the flat, sell all of my furniture and move to a small studio flat. After 10 years of being with a person that looked after me, supported me and loved me, I was by myself. I must tell you this, it wasn't easy at the beginning. Getting rid of the furniture and our possessions was in a way therapeutic, but when the buyers came to pick it up my heart broke every time. I gave out my wedding photo albums to my husband, because it was really hard for me to look at them.

I unpacked my things and on the same day got completely hammered with my two best friends. The next day I unpacked and stayed in bed for most of the day. It was my birthday...

But don't pity me!

After I cried my eyes out a few nights in a row and finished that pack of cigarettes I had bought earlier, I lifted myself up off my bed and decided to start living again. I went for a run. My lungs were burning but it felt so good. I wanted to run for the rest of my life. My muscles were screaming in protest, my head was buzzing, but I ran and for the first time since I came back from Asia, I felt somewhat happy - not entirely, but I was close.
I bought a travel guide on Australia and started budgeting for my next trip.
I changed my cosmetics, so the smell doesn't remind me of him. I changed a radio station as the one I used to listen to played all the sad love songs, and I couldn't stand it.

I then emailed, texted and called my friends and filled up every day after work with activities. I met people I hadn't seen for a long time, went to the cinema, galleries, for drinks and dinners and lunches. I talked, cried and laughed. It felt good to be among people.

After a few weeks of doing all those things I finally feel like I can spend time with myself. I can just sit on my sofa, read a book, write something, listen to some music. I feel better!
Better, but not myself...not yet. Sometimes I have these flashes of sadness that creep up on me unexpected and I want to cry. I wave them off and wait few seconds for them to pass.

I sometimes wonder what he's doing and if he's happy with the decision he's made. What is he planning? Does he miss me? Few times I wanted to dial his number and ask him all those questions, but I know this wouldn't change anything, and would only make things harder for me. So, I stay silent...waiting for my new, true self to emerge as a better, stronger person.

A few days ago I bought my one way ticket to Asia. I'm leaving in November. I don't know what I am going to do exactly. I might just stay in Thailand, or I might move.
This new plan excites me, but frightens me. I am scared of the unknown and of being by myself so far away from my family and friends, but I know that if I don't go I will regret it to the rest of my life.
I have a feeling that there's something out there waiting for me. It is calling me and smiling at me and it is beautiful. I will find it when I'm on my way to the unknown and I will fall in love with it. I will embrace it like a long lost lover and we will stay together - my destiny and I...


  1. Every decision that leads to something good is hard in the beginning. As you posted on fb one day: Magic happens where your comfort zone ends.
    I think you will get many doubts till the date you leave to Thailand, but it's completely normal.
    And when you are really down, you know that from now on it can only get better! :)

    1. Thank you, Aga. I know that and I feel like it will only get better from now on. It's always dark before the dawn :)

  2. Good luck to you, there is a lot of living and life out there, go for it, follow your heart and know you are never truly alone. ENJOY. Millie xx

  3. Divorce is such a crazy rollercoaster, isn't it? It will be exciting to have some distance between you and the divorce so you can look back and say, holy crap. I lived through that and I'm stronger and more awesome now.

    1. Yes, it is. I think I can safely say that I will can get through almost anything now.

  4. In time, you will get over it! I am certain with that! Travelling will help you forget everything for a moment or forever! Find yourself somewhere and go back to your own land as a whole person without any heavy feelings in you. Divorce is a tough journey, but it is your choice if you will take that journey forever, or skip it. Choose the latter! Albert Gates @ Burton Law Firm

    1. Thank you, Albert. That's really true and beautiful.

  5. Going through a divorce process doesn't only give you pain and stress. In fact, there are many people out there who go through the same situation, but successfully attained that great feeling of freedom and fulfillment. This is the time that you get to know more of yourself. You try to discover things that you haven't before. Part of it are your strengths and weaknesses. Your story somewhat reminds me of the book, "Eat, Pray, Love." Good luck on your new journey, and I wish you happiness!

    Deloris Hausler @ Joseph, Hollander & Craft

  6. Going through a divorce is really difficult. But then, you shouldn't drown yourself in grief and blaming why the relationship didn't last. You can do a lot of things after your divorce. It's actually the perfect time to explore and develop your inner strength. You should conquer your fear and improve your life. That will give you more confidence to face future life challenges.

    Robert Smith @ Kurtz & Blum

    1. Thank you so much, Robert. I know. It is difficult, but then it gives you a lot of inner strength and courage to do whatever you want in life. Thank you for a lovely comment.