I know this is supposed to be a travel blog, but my life has recently changed so much that I thought I will share some of my struggles with you. So, once a week I will try to give you an update on what I have been doing. It might not seem to you that these posts are travel-related, but believe me, the whole thing leads to a new adventure.
I'm still in a process of finalising my divorce. I have been going through some really bad times. One day I think I will be fine, I can get through this. The next day I find hard to get up, to lift myself out of bed.
But I am getting better.
There were times when I sat on my sofa for hours at a time, looking blankly at the opposite wall, I smoked a cigarette after cigarette, I went out and made out with some random guy in a club (yes, I'm still ashamed of that). I was angry, I was depressed and I was drowning in my own sadness.
Because of my landlord's family affairs I had to move out of the flat, sell all of my furniture and move to a small studio flat. After 10 years of being with a person that looked after me, supported me and loved me, I was by myself. I must tell you this, it wasn't easy at the beginning. Getting rid of the furniture and our possessions was in a way therapeutic, but when the buyers came to pick it up my heart broke every time. I gave out my wedding photo albums to my husband, because it was really hard for me to look at them.
I unpacked my things and on the same day got completely hammered with my two best friends. The next day I unpacked and stayed in bed for most of the day. It was my birthday...
But don't pity me!
After I cried my eyes out a few nights in a row and finished that pack of cigarettes I had bought earlier, I lifted myself up off my bed and decided to start living again. I went for a run. My lungs were burning but it felt so good. I wanted to run for the rest of my life. My muscles were screaming in protest, my head was buzzing, but I ran and for the first time since I came back from Asia, I felt somewhat happy - not entirely, but I was close.
I bought a travel guide on Australia and started budgeting for my next trip.
I changed my cosmetics, so the smell doesn't remind me of him. I changed a radio station as the one I used to listen to played all the sad love songs, and I couldn't stand it.
I then emailed, texted and called my friends and filled up every day after work with activities. I met people I hadn't seen for a long time, went to the cinema, galleries, for drinks and dinners and lunches. I talked, cried and laughed. It felt good to be among people.
After a few weeks of doing all those things I finally feel like I can spend time with myself. I can just sit on my sofa, read a book, write something, listen to some music. I feel better!
Better, but not myself...not yet. Sometimes I have these flashes of sadness that creep up on me unexpected and I want to cry. I wave them off and wait few seconds for them to pass.
I sometimes wonder what he's doing and if he's happy with the decision he's made. What is he planning? Does he miss me? Few times I wanted to dial his number and ask him all those questions, but I know this wouldn't change anything, and would only make things harder for me. So, I stay silent...waiting for my new, true self to emerge as a better, stronger person.
A few days ago I bought my one way ticket to Asia. I'm leaving in November. I don't know what I am going to do exactly. I might just stay in Thailand, or I might move.
This new plan excites me, but frightens me. I am scared of the unknown and of being by myself so far away from my family and friends, but I know that if I don't go I will regret it to the rest of my life.
I have a feeling that there's something out there waiting for me. It is calling me and smiling at me and it is beautiful. I will find it when I'm on my way to the unknown and I will fall in love with it. I will embrace it like a long lost lover and we will stay together - my destiny and I...